Ugh, argh, and sigh

Area Studies makes me feel like a complete and total failure, so that’s fun. But on the other hand, it helps me defend my decision to not go to grad school. It also makes me really love management issues even more. Can someone give me a logistics issue to handle? Anyone? Gah, what I wouldn’t do for a terrible customer service problem right about now. Area Studies just makes me realize that policy isn’t my strong point. It doesn’t help that I have absolutely no background whatsoever in this part of the world. It also doesn’t help when people associated with the class let me know that I have no background, because I didn’t already feel like an idiot. I am learning, but I feel like my curve is Mount Everest. But, you know what? Not everyone has to get to the top. I’m happy to just schlep around the bags down at basecamp. I’ll do the dirty work and let someone else tackle the summit. I really do want to learn, but my struggle is the least of anyone’s worries.

Why does this class do such a good job of exposing my insecurities? Some days I hold back tears because I’m so lost, I feel like I’ll never make it in this profession. I spend half the class trying to just understand the words the lecturers are using. At least once I start Arabic classes, I’ll know it is a foreign language.

And then while, Area Studies is beating me to pulp in the corner, I’ve got other crap going on. I’m in a holding pattern, which means I’m still waiting to get my diplomatic passport and visas. I need to extend my stay in DC, which means I need to contact someone, I think, but I still need to figure out who that is. I always feel like I’m forgetting something all the time. But at least I’m keeping up with my TSP!

And then there is the glaring issue of life. A-100 made me question a few of my fundamental beliefs about how I want to live my life. I’ve been clinging on to my self-sufficient, independent attitude for so long. I can’t tell anymore if it was a coping mechanism or if I actually believe it. I feel like a piece of clothing, tumbling in a dryer. I’m just spinning and spinning and I have no clue when I’ll stop spinning. And the more I think about my own internal upheaval, the more I cling to anything I can, perhaps another lost sock in the dryer. So many things in my life feel like they have all flipped upside down and I don’t know how to look at them anymore. Maybe I just need to work on my Ender’s Game attitude – there is no up or down, only a different perspective.

I guess I’m just a little lost in this whole new world. I’ll find my way soon enough, probably right after Area Studies is over.

A-100 Calorie Slice of Humble Pie

Today was our last full class of A-100. I honestly cannot believe it is already over. It feels like the longest and shortest 6 weeks of my life. Just like during my Peace Corps training, I’ve quickly made some wonderful friends. I’ve been so impressed with my new colleagues, it is hard to imagine going through this experience without them. I want to share with you a story from today.

This morning we had a discussion summing up everything we’ve learned in class and how we plan on applying it. Something that really struck me from these last six weeks was the focus on “me.” My employee review, my bid, my post, my future, my boss, my impact. While we touched on teamwork, especially during our offsite retreat, I felt like the emphasis was more on the individual and less on the team. And it makes sense, that’s what most interesting and sought after during a training. How does this affect me? That was my impression of the sessions. My takeaway from the class was just that though – teamwork. Yesterday and today, it really hit me that this isn’t about me. They’ve given me the tools and knowledge to be a better cog. But this is about the team. In the last two weeks, I’ve really felt the “me” mentality in class. I think that’s what made it all the more clear to me. Sometimes we learn by observing what’s missing and not what’s right in front of us. Today really allowed me to step back 10 steps and see the big picture. I am not a single Foreign Service Officer serving my country in a far off land. I am part of a team working to create a more secure, democratic, and prosperous world for the benefit of the American people and the international community. We are a team. The 178th A-100 class is a team. The men and women of the U.S. Foreign Service are a team. Every employee of the Department of State is part of the team. We may all have different personal goals, career objectives, areas of expertise, and regional specialities, but we share one thing in common – our mission. Together we are stronger and make this world a better place.

Teamwork was my key takeaway from my A-100 experience, but I’d like to share just one more quick lesson learnt.

Before I joined the Foreign Service, I would label myself as an 11 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being insanely competitive. I knew coming into the Foreign Service that this trait often leads to poor morale and unnecessary comparisons. This was something I’ve been trying to work on for years. During my first week of A-100, I was served a giant slice of humble pie washed down with a big gulp of get over yourself. My colleagues were smarter, funnier, prettier, more experienced, and generally way cooler than me. I was no longer fighting to be taken seriously. Suddenly, I wasn’t Miss Perfect. I felt like I was the bottom of the barrel in our class. And you know what? It was so incredibly good for me to feel that way. Even though that first bite of humble pie was hard to swallow, as soon as I kept it down, the rest of the pie tasted so sweet. I needed to not be the best at something. I needed everyone to be better than me. I also found through this process an incredible group of people who supported me. I found that it is easier to climb out of the bottom of the barrel, when a few people reach their hands in and pull you back up. Because, this is all a team effort. My competitive streak has turned into but a half erased pencil marking. I can’t kill a bad habit in just six weeks, but I’ve found that my perspective has changed. I am no longer looking at myself and what I can do, I’m looking at everyone else and wondering how we can all work together.

Flag Day

What’s not to love about a ceremony involving tiny flags, years of anticipation, and deliberately built up anxiety? Flag Day is a time honored tradition for A-100 classes. We find out our assignments in the most intense way possible. I’m hoarse from screaming in excitement for my colleagues. So here’s how it all works for my friends and family who don’t know, don’t worry my full story of the Flag Day bonanza is below.

We receive a list of posts for our group. Each person ranks the posts on the list: high, medium, low. You can add comments if you choose. Then after the fifth week of training, they tell us where we are going in an elaborate ceremony that’s really just bottled diplomat anxiety.

 

I wasn’t feeling any emotion towards Flag Day until about an hour before it started. And then suddenly, the gravity of the situation hit me like a space station flying at 17,500 miles an hour. I might have had a mild panic attack. I wasn’t nervous about any of the posts on our list, I think I was just overcome with a multitude of emotions. First, I couldn’t believe this was actually real. Second, my life was about to change, I think it is okay to freak out a bit. Third, it was incredibly hot and muggy. Fourth, I knew that everyone else had the same nervous energy as me, it was feeding off each other. Fifth, I was just plain excited. These factors and emotions almost knocked me out. I came pretty close to passing out at one point before the ceremony started. Luckily, my wonderful colleagues all started fanning me and getting me some air. The energy was so indescribable. The only way I can try to explain it is this: imagine dreaming of something for 10 years, knowing that it is about to happen in a matter of moments, and that crazy jittery feeling you have when you drink too much caffeine. That’s how I felt.

Finally the ceremony started and quickly I realized I really don’t know flags. Okay, let’s step back for a second and I’ll give you some details. Of the posts, I ranked 25% low, 29% high, and 46% medium. My lows were mainly Russian speaking posts. My highs were all over the place. And my mediums were primarily non-consular posts and a smattering of “eh” places. When I met with my Career Development Officer to explain my preferences, I told her “surprise me.” And she did!

So I completely forgot how I ranked any of my posts prior to the ceremony. Once the ceremony began, I noticed that quickly many of my lows were disappearing. When my absolute low was called and someone seemed happy to get it, I was so relieved, I actually remembered to breathe again. One of my friend’s high posts was called, but she didn’t get it. But there were two posts, so there was hope she’d get the next one. I really wanted her to go there. My friend sitting to my left was on the edge of her seat every time an India came up. She’s dreamed of India for over a decade. But they kept calling different posts. Suddenly the Egyptian flag appears on screen and it felt like forever. I turned to my friend on my right, who wanted Egypt and said something to the effect of “you got this.” And then they called my name. And I was shocked. I remember standing up and walking towards the flag having no idea what was going on and then a few seconds later – emotion! Crazy, excited emotion! I started jumping up and down and throwing my hands in the air. Egypt was one of my highs. As I let all the nervous energy drain out of me, I sat down and immediately burst into tears. Tears of pure joy and excitement. I don’t think ecstatic is a strong enough word to describe how I was reacting. Weeks of suppressed caring and distancing myself from any attachment led to an utter breakdown in social norms. Tears were streaming down my face and I just couldn’t stop them. Of course my friend to the left starts crying with me, while still waiting to hear her name. Then suddenly another Near East post comes up and my friend on the right gets excited. This is a good post too and another one of her highs. They call her name and she much more gracefully than me goes and collects her flag. We are going to be neighbors, sort of. Well region neighbors. My friend on the left is still waiting, and they haven’t called any of her India dream posts. She’s in a full state of freaking out all while I’m sitting there trying to hold it together. One of my colleagues told me during my public speaking exercise that behind a podium I look like I’m trying to burst out of a jar. That’s how I felt sitting in my chair.

Suddenly, an India flag flashes on the screen and her dream post is called, followed by her name. Commence screaming. Two of my other friends got their absolute #1 posts as well. Dreams for everyone! I’m so happy with the people who are also in my region. But let’s rewind again. Why was I so excited to get Egypt? Many of my friends and family are concerned about the current state of affairs in the region. Well, back in the day, elementary school to be exact, I wanted to do a few different jobs. I wanted to be an architect and cruise ship captain. But I also wanted to be an Egyptologist. I’ve been fascinated with the culture and history since at least first grade. I even gave a report in front of the entire school in a Cleopatra costume. That’s elementary school dedication there. Ever since, I’ve always had a special place in my heart for Egypt. It is the sole place on my bucket list that is a requirement. It was where I originally wanted to go on a post Peace Corps trip, but couldn’t at the time. I almost bought a book to learn hieroglyphics at one point. I’m so excited for this challenge. I guess I need to actually look up post information about Egypt. I’m going to have plenty of time though, as I will now be learning Arabic.

What an adventure! And now for a quick way to wrap up my life:

Mini Goal Accomplished! Paying it Forward

As a Peace Corps Volunteer, I stayed with a lovely couple in the capital whenever I visited. They just so happened to be USAID Foreign Service Officers. I also made good friends with one of the Treasury’s version of Foreign Service Officers. They fed me, housed me, and helped me keep my sanity by offering the occasional comfort from home. I’ve been waiting to pay it forward and help another PCV feel loved. Last night I had that chance and better yet, it was one of my best friends who is on home leave! His fellow PCV and friend was also in town, so I treated them to a delicious dinner. I can’t tell you how much it made me feel comforted though, especially to hear the latest news from Ghana. It was like I was getting a taste of home. It made me feel connected again. Connected to something I miss so dearly. I’m still in reverse culture shock being in America, and I’m still readjusting. I loved being able to hug my best friend and pick back up where we left off, but I also loved feeling reconnected to the world I left behind.

Sometimes all it takes is picking up the tab to show someone you value their service and their sacrifice. All Peace Corps Volunteers just want someone to appreciate their efforts and acknowledge that they too are doing a service to their country. No matter where I go, my goal is to keep paying it forward.

Back on track

Even though I didn’t feel well last Friday, I still took one giant swing at my public speaking exercise and knocked it out of the park. I tend to be very hard on myself (hence the last heavy post), but public speaking is something I’m good at. Really good. I never get nervous and I can write a speech while standing in front of the mirror getting ready in the morning. I was so excited when I got positive feedback from my speech. Alas! I am awesome at something in this class! Last week was difficult and draining, but after I nailed my speech I felt so much better. Well that and I had so many wonderful messages and comments of support after my last post, it put some of the air back into me. I did well on my speech for a few reasons, but one of the big ones? Peace Corps. Oh yeah, that’s right my favorite thing to reference when I learn something. I did a lot of presentations in college and I did pretty well back then, but Peace Corps solidified my public speaking nack. Every time I did a training, I felt energized. I loved standing in front of a group of farmers and sharing ideas with them.

My strengths are definitely different from my classmates. Most of those are from my Peace Corps experience. Thinking outside the box – I don’t believe in boxes, there is no box. Maybe it’s a triangle? Critical of assumptions – I never trust assumptions, because I believe they are right next to communication in the root of all problems. Communication – I’m direct and concise. I’m not afraid to ask questions, even if the answer won’t be pretty. While many of my classmates are incredibly knowledgeable about policy and economics, I’m pretty good at customer service. Which is what’s critical for my cone. So there we go, I’m back on track and ready to go. Which is a good thing because something incredible is happening this week.

Flag Day.

Friday I will find out where in the world I’m going. I had a dream that I was posted to Bengali, that’s not a real place. That’s a language. But the jokes my dad made were pretty funny in my dream – Bengali gee we won’t be visiting you. Who knows where I will go, but wherever it is I’ll be happy. I feel like I should be more excited for the big reveal, but I guess it still doesn’t feel real. When I get my flag I’ll probably be like this:

 

Confessions of an Oklahoman in the Foreign Service

The Oklahoma Education System has failed me. What history did I learn in middle school? Oklahoma history. What history did I learn in high school? Well, we watched the musical 1776 a few times and I self taught myself enough to get a 6 in Higher Level International Baccalaureate History. A 6 in HL History is a pretty good score. How did I pull it off? I studied for the test. I knew what types of questions they always ask. And then I got lucky. Incredibly, incredibly lucky. My history paper during the IB test had one big question on a quote from Robert McNamara. One week before, I just so happened to randomly watch the documentary where the quote was pulled from. Luck. To study for the Foreign Service Test, I had to reread basic history books three times.

Maybe history just isn’t my strong suit. Or maybe my education should have left a more lasting impression. Yesterday, this could not have been more evident. Our first class in the morning was the third part of our Diplomatic History module. The speaker seemed entertaining, but he used words I didn’t even know what they meant. He completely lost me when he said bifurcate. After that all I could think of was bifrost and Thor.  Why did he lose me so quickly though? Because I had no idea what he was even remotely talking about. He was referencing things I should have learned in school. He was alluding to times in history I should have been aware of. But I wasn’t. I had no idea. That history class and our previous offsite activities really struck a chord with me. A very out of tune and sad chord. They ferreted out my insecurities and put them on display.

During offsite, I was the black sheep in our group. During one of the activities, I had to rely on part of my team to give me direction. I had to trust them. I could not for the life of me figure out what they were trying to tell me. So I took a big misstep and I felt shattered. I felt like I let my team down and I felt so alone and isolated. I was exposed. Later in the day, we were blindfolded and put through another exercise. While everyone else quickly figured out the puzzle we were trying to solve, I was sitting there trying to speak up. But the loud people in our group kept talking over me. When I did have a chance to speak, I questioned the assumptions everyone else made so quickly. But they laughed at me. Later, a few people told me I must have trust issues. Damn straight I have trust issues when I’m blindfolded. Throughout the offsite, I felt exposed. This past week has been the most insecure I’ve felt in many years.

I’m constantly surrounded by people who are smarter, more educated, and more experienced than I am. It is hard to not feel insecure about my own shortcomings. I don’t feel like I need to prove myself, because I feel so insignificant that it isn’t necessary. I know that everyone in my class has strengths and weaknesses. I know that for the management track, that I’m going to do great. But throw me into the ring with my peers and I start to question that. People keep reassuring me that I’m going to do fine, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking I’m not supposed to be here.

I’m just a lost girl from Oklahoma trying to play dress up as a diplomat.