Starting 2015 With Some Variables, a Baader-Meinhof, and Some Perspective

2015 is the year I will finally head to my first post. I find that both thrilling and terrifying. How am I going to be prepared in 6 months to determine the merits of someone’s visa application, in Arabic? Luckily, I still have four more months of Arabic and a Consular General training to prepare me for the next two years. What do I have in the meantime though? A German exam. Because, you know, self-inflicted language torture is my thing.

I never got to test in German during A-100 because there were 100 people in my class and only so many resources to test all of us in all of our languages. So priority was given to people with languages on our bid list and people who self identified at a high level, that’s my theory anyway. From a resource management perspective it makes complete sense, you have only so many resources available and you need to narrow down and pair a list of 117 posts with 100 people. You need something to help with filtering. Once those resources are used, you may have time and capacity to test a few other people. Do you waste those resources on people who identified their language skills at low or do you test the people who have a good chance of getting off language probation? It makes complete sense to me, but it doesn’t mean I’m particularly thrilled to be taking the German exam 4 months into my Arabic training. But then I retort to myself, this is 100% self-inflicted. I could have taken the test earlier or I could have postponed it until consular training. I made the decision to take it in January during A-100 though.

Something I’ve discovered about myself recently is fairly intriguing from a Foreign Service perspective. This is in no way where I was going with this blog post, but let’s follow this train of thought. I always knew I was good at reasoning, deduction and pattern recognition, if you go back and search in my blog for “variables” “options” or “possible” you’ll find quite a few posts spanning the years. I always knew this was how my brain worked, but didn’t realize it until recently. Which lead me to remember the Baader-Meinhof concept: “Baader-Meinhof is the phenomenon where one happens upon some obscure piece of information–often an unfamiliar word or name–and soon afterwards encounters the same subject again, often repeatedly.” It’s because our brains love patterns and we are always looking for patterns in the chaos. From my Hi-Lab (higher level language aptitude test) results, I know that my brain is seemingly extra hard wired for processing patterns. And now that I’m conscious of my own ability (also related to Baader-Meinhof, see how that works), I’ve become conscious of how my brain is processing the information. Before, I would just let my brain run and do it’s thing, such as with the decision to take the German test in January, a seemingly arbitrary month. But now, it’s like I have a window into what my brain is doing, as if I could watch it process variables, analyze patterns, and make decisions or inferences based on the information I have at hand.

To me it is like a tree. At first, I see the whole tree with every leaf, twig, branch. I notice the color of the leaves, how tall it is, and it’s shape. Then I look closer and focus on only one branch. It is as if I were trying to identify the species of the tree without having any prior knowledge of arboriculture. From the branch, I then look at the whole structure of the branch again. Then I dig deeper, looking at individual leaves and twigs. Then I start to prune away the branches until I have just a part of the tree left, the part that has all the information I need. Then I may have two or three ideas of what it might be. I take one last look, make a decision, but then immediately explain to myself my reasoning. Being very careful to acknowledge the variables and biases that influenced my decision, including my lack of knowledge. And most of this happens in the span of 30 seconds, maximum.

So when I decided to take my German test in January, I never thought to myself “why do I want to take this test?” I only thought to myself “when is the most advantageous time.” I knew that they were changing the test format in January. I also knew that I’d be in Arabic for 8-9 months. I knew that my German was rusty. I knew that I would have a few weeks of no class in December. I also knew that near the end of my Arabic studies, the pressure would be higher. I knew that I get a form of test anxiety. I also knew that I needed to pass my Arabic test. January was the only time that made sense to me, after looking at all those variables and factors. I never once considered how the German test would affect me stress-wise or emotionally. Those are non-factors in my brain. I’m hard-wired for rational, which is in fact thanks to the half of me that is German. A pretty big chunk of the reason why I decided to take the German test was because I knew it would help me prepare for the Arabic test.

So what am I getting at with all this rambling? I feel like this experience is very indicative of how my brain works. Right now I’m mildly stressing out about my German test, but I know that it doesn’t matter. That doesn’t stop the stress though. I can be conscious of what is going on in my brain, but I can’t necessarily change it’s course. I am mildly stressed because I want to do well on a test. Why? Because I grew up in an environment that emphasized achievement. I can be completely rational about a decision, but that does not mean it still doesn’t impact me in other ways. One of the reasons I decided to take the German test was directly correlated to preparing me for a future possibility. I found a way to better position myself for a future event, therefore I was willing to put myself through a bit of hardship in order to simply feel prepared. Which is exactly what I’ve done my entire life, I’ve always looked past the present hardships towards a simpler future. Consciously and unconsciously, I’m always trying to set myself up for success, even at the expense of present comfort.

But the beauty is that Peace Corps taught me that present hardship is not in fact hardship. It is all perspective: “this too shall pass.” Everything we do in life is a lesson for the future. We learn from our mistakes and successes and grow. We decide to take the difficult route (while finding the best route through the difficulties, at least I do) because that’s where we find our strength. I am not purposefully inflicting German language pain upon myself, I am doing this because I know that it will have a positive influence on my own peace of mind when the stakes are higher with Arabic, when it really counts. And my brain knows that is what I need. But that doesn’t mean I have to let German completely stress me out, in fact I quite enjoy switching back to something familiar. I’ve been so deep into Arabic for the past 4 months, it feels nice to step into something reassuring again.

With language you never know what progress you are making, so it is easy to feel discouraged. But through this process of attempting German and Arabic at the same time, I found a small confidence in myself. I was able to translate an article from German into Arabic in class on Friday, having been off for 2 weeks. I didn’t translate into English, I went directly from German to Arabic. And you know what? That was pretty damn cool. Even though I am still too embarrassed and lacking in confidence to speak German in front of people I find intimidating, I found a bit of confidence in class on Friday, the bit I needed. IMG_20150102_182113336~2~2Then I made an incredibly elaborate German meal: Jaegerschnitzel completely from scratch. I made the breadcrumbs, I made the sauce, I even had to have a lengthy conversation with a Whole Foods butcher to get the cut of veal I wanted. It reminded me of my Oma and how proud she would have been that I actually pulled off the perfect schnitzel.

I think she’d be proud of what I’ve accomplished so far as well, besides the schnitzel. So even when language kicks my ass, whichever language it is, I can’t lose sight of the purpose and my reason for doing this. I’m doing this because I am lucky enough to have the coolest job on earth.

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2014: And I went from this to that and this again

I sit on my couch, having just finished watching one of my ultimate guilty pleasure movies: My Best Friend’s Wedding. I incidentally just returned from my best friend’s house as well, clear on the other side of the U.S. The past 24 hours represent the past year in a nutshell: a whirlwind of balancing my new career with my family and friends.

2014 has been the best year of my life. It has also been a test of patience and adjustment. I went from being an only child with no relatives living within 1000 miles, to suddenly having sisters and a very large extended family within 50 miles. I went from Peace Corps back to advertising, and clearly not handling it very well. (But the blog post it inspired continues to strike a chord with RPCVs everywhere!) I went from complete uncertainty about the future to more uncertainty to far too much excitement to care. I went from “now what” to 8 months of Arabic training! I went from RPCV consumerism guilt to taxpayer guilt. I went from Arabic to German four separate times on the plane just this morning.  I went from being a cashier at Whole Foods to a diplomat in one day.

January of this year, I sat in a computer room awaiting my fate. That hour ticked by so slowly as I waited and waited, while people kept being called away leaving me with two other people questioning what we could have done differently. But with one smile and a “let us be the first to congratulate you” my whole world changed. That moment, forever etched in my brain, was one I’d dreamed of for 10 years. And when I finally opened my envelope and saw that my score was high enough to ensure I was called off the register, I felt every emotion possible stream through my body. The second I saw my score, I knew that my dreams came true because I worked for it. I put everything into that day and I was rewarded. Turns out hard work and dedication really do produce results, but sometimes it takes a while. January 23, 2014 changed my life.

This year has also been about maintaining the relationships that are most important to me. But, it isn’t easy when there is a lot of physical distance between you and everyone else. And it won’t improve next year when you can tack on an extra 10,000 miles. But, I’ve tried really hard to make the time for my family and friends. Financially, it isn’t easy either, but I know it is important to them. It is always hard on me when I get back though, because it hits me that I live a completely different lifestyle than what 90% of people are used to. I’m a fair weather friend, daughter, sister now and while I don’t particularly like labeling myself that, that’s just sort of how the cookie crumbles. My lifestyle and priorities are completely different from most of the people I know (outside of the Foreign Service). It is not a vacation until I’ve eaten at the restaurant I’ve meticulously researched. Or it is not a family event until I’ve explained “yes, I’m aware of the dangers of living in Egypt.” I’m at this weird point in my life where I’m a complete outsider within my own family or friend group. I’m that wackadoodle relative or friend that you bring up over the dinner table, wondering “what’s she doing now?” But it’s okay, this is what I’ve chosen and I know that if it were easy it wouldn’t be as rewarding.

2014 was the year in which I sat at a picnic table on my lunch break devouring my delicious Whole Foods salad when everything changed. I still remember looking at my phone while scarfing down some mashed sweet potatoes with candied pecans. I remember checking my email and reading in big bold yellow highlighted text that my name was added to the register and my score was high enough to be selected for the June/July class. And then proceeding to lose it. My fork was still midway to my mouth when I started half-crying, half-hyperventilating. And then I called everyone. Passing the oral assessment was the most glorious feeling on Earth, but getting invited to a class that truly was hyperventilate worthy. 2014 was the year that I made my dreams a reality.

My father is an immigrant. His family didn’t have a lot. My mom didn’t have much growing up either; her dad worked in a sardine factory. But they both worked hard and did everything they could to provide me with opportunities, the opportunities they didn’t have growing up. I went to a competitive and challenging public high school 30 minutes from home, because I knew that it was what I needed to grow. I pursued my own challenges and I haven’t stopped since.
This is my lesson from 2014: hard work pays off. Dreams are a reality, but only if you accept that they are also a challenge. You can’t just be handed your dream career or vacation or experience or relationship. You have to work for it. You have to want it and you can’t give up. Dreams are difficult to obtain for a reason, but determination to succeed and just plain ole hard work can put them within your grasp. I didn’t give up, even after failing multiple times. But as my favorite quote from Edison goes: “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.”

2014 was a year of many changes, but all of them put me right where I am today: extremely happy, grateful, and humbled to have been given such a wonderful year to cherish.

Why Life Ain’t So Bad

Let’s cut to the chase, here’s why life is currently just grand:

1. Spoke in Twi twice today to two different Ghanaians. Turns out, I’ve still got it! Commence Azonto dance now:

2. Told a story in Arabic today in a conversational tone at a regular speed, as if I were telling the story in English. I was so happy, even if the story wasn’t as funny as I always thought it was.

3. This time next week I will be in San Diego with my best friend. Bring on the burritos!

4. Finally making friends in DC outside of the Foreign Service bubble. Don’t get me wrong, I love my colleagues, but sometimes it is nice to hear someone talk about something besides language training. Plus, as it turns out, non-State folks do really awesome things too. And they are normal people, normal cool people.

5. I’m still getting paid to be a language sponge. The Department of State is still high fiving me everytime I walk into my apartment.

6. I’ve stopped drinking as much caffeine, 90% less I’d say, and I feel much more alert and awake. Funny how that works.

7. I learned the proper way to say King Tutankhamun today, so that made everything seem a little more real.

8. Speaking of real, I sent in my housing form today. Now that makes things feel real. I just hope to the housing board gods that they give me an apartment that doesn’t smell like dead fish and is not inhabited by a gang of wild flat spiders on tour from Ghana. It still feels like language training is going to last forever, but I guess it is just another 4 months.

9. Christmas is right around the corner and I’m always reminded during the holidays about how grateful I am for all the opportunities that have come my way.

Don’t let it slip

I’m fast approaching a date that I don’t want to pass. I’m terrified of November 20th. I don’t want it to come.

I don’t want to say I ended my Peace Corps service over a year ago. I want to remain within my one year mark. I don’t know why, but I don’t want to tip over into that territory. I want to be still fresh off the plane. Three days isn’t going to make a difference, because that date is going to pass no matter what, but I feel it sometimes. I feel it slipping. I feel the connection to my service slipping from my hands. Somedays I come home and cry because I miss Peace Corps so bad. No I don’t miss the hardships or the heartbreak, but I miss the feeling. I miss feeling impactful. Arabic makes me feel selfish. Learning a language is selfish. I’m learning this for me, so I can converse with others. I’m not doing something that has a direct impact on others right now. I get that this whole mindset of wanting to be impactful is just as selfish, but entertain my line of thought. I miss feeling smart because I had all this time to think and better myself. I miss being loved by a community of strangers. I miss feeling like I was doing something. I was someone. I miss that feeling when lights have been off for hours and suddenly the lights are back on and everything seems amazing in the world, like I could do anything because suddenly I had electricity. I miss the intellectual conversations I would have from my porch with other Peace Corps Volunteers, locals, or sometimes the goats. I miss the look on a farmer’s face when I told them something that changed their minds. I miss the smile from my small girls when I would turn on Gangnam style and we would have a dance party in front of the ravine. I miss my fellow Volunteers and the stories we shared. I miss it all.

I enjoy Arabic, for the most part (except when I’m patronized and demoralized), but I can’t really measure it. I can’t describe its impact on me, not yet. I can’t see it smile at me from across the courtyard when I run out of my room because a mouse scurried under my bed. Arabic doesn’t care that I know all about cashew nut quality. Arabic doesn’t excite me like a fresh batch of farmer data ripe and ready for analysis.

We are always ready and looking forward to the next moment, stage, or period of our life. But sometimes, you have to look back and realize where you came from. As much as I miss Ghana, I know that I’m going to enjoy going to my fridge and making dinner in my government apartment though. But right now, I don’t want missing Ghana to end.

Mini Goal Accomplished! Paying it Forward

As a Peace Corps Volunteer, I stayed with a lovely couple in the capital whenever I visited. They just so happened to be USAID Foreign Service Officers. I also made good friends with one of the Treasury’s version of Foreign Service Officers. They fed me, housed me, and helped me keep my sanity by offering the occasional comfort from home. I’ve been waiting to pay it forward and help another PCV feel loved. Last night I had that chance and better yet, it was one of my best friends who is on home leave! His fellow PCV and friend was also in town, so I treated them to a delicious dinner. I can’t tell you how much it made me feel comforted though, especially to hear the latest news from Ghana. It was like I was getting a taste of home. It made me feel connected again. Connected to something I miss so dearly. I’m still in reverse culture shock being in America, and I’m still readjusting. I loved being able to hug my best friend and pick back up where we left off, but I also loved feeling reconnected to the world I left behind.

Sometimes all it takes is picking up the tab to show someone you value their service and their sacrifice. All Peace Corps Volunteers just want someone to appreciate their efforts and acknowledge that they too are doing a service to their country. No matter where I go, my goal is to keep paying it forward.

Back on track

Even though I didn’t feel well last Friday, I still took one giant swing at my public speaking exercise and knocked it out of the park. I tend to be very hard on myself (hence the last heavy post), but public speaking is something I’m good at. Really good. I never get nervous and I can write a speech while standing in front of the mirror getting ready in the morning. I was so excited when I got positive feedback from my speech. Alas! I am awesome at something in this class! Last week was difficult and draining, but after I nailed my speech I felt so much better. Well that and I had so many wonderful messages and comments of support after my last post, it put some of the air back into me. I did well on my speech for a few reasons, but one of the big ones? Peace Corps. Oh yeah, that’s right my favorite thing to reference when I learn something. I did a lot of presentations in college and I did pretty well back then, but Peace Corps solidified my public speaking nack. Every time I did a training, I felt energized. I loved standing in front of a group of farmers and sharing ideas with them.

My strengths are definitely different from my classmates. Most of those are from my Peace Corps experience. Thinking outside the box – I don’t believe in boxes, there is no box. Maybe it’s a triangle? Critical of assumptions – I never trust assumptions, because I believe they are right next to communication in the root of all problems. Communication – I’m direct and concise. I’m not afraid to ask questions, even if the answer won’t be pretty. While many of my classmates are incredibly knowledgeable about policy and economics, I’m pretty good at customer service. Which is what’s critical for my cone. So there we go, I’m back on track and ready to go. Which is a good thing because something incredible is happening this week.

Flag Day.

Friday I will find out where in the world I’m going. I had a dream that I was posted to Bengali, that’s not a real place. That’s a language. But the jokes my dad made were pretty funny in my dream – Bengali gee we won’t be visiting you. Who knows where I will go, but wherever it is I’ll be happy. I feel like I should be more excited for the big reveal, but I guess it still doesn’t feel real. When I get my flag I’ll probably be like this: