The Oklahoma Education System has failed me. What history did I learn in middle school? Oklahoma history. What history did I learn in high school? Well, we watched the musical 1776 a few times and I self taught myself enough to get a 6 in Higher Level International Baccalaureate History. A 6 in HL History is a pretty good score. How did I pull it off? I studied for the test. I knew what types of questions they always ask. And then I got lucky. Incredibly, incredibly lucky. My history paper during the IB test had one big question on a quote from Robert McNamara. One week before, I just so happened to randomly watch the documentary where the quote was pulled from. Luck. To study for the Foreign Service Test, I had to reread basic history books three times.
Maybe history just isn’t my strong suit. Or maybe my education should have left a more lasting impression. Yesterday, this could not have been more evident. Our first class in the morning was the third part of our Diplomatic History module. The speaker seemed entertaining, but he used words I didn’t even know what they meant. He completely lost me when he said bifurcate. After that all I could think of was bifrost and Thor. Why did he lose me so quickly though? Because I had no idea what he was even remotely talking about. He was referencing things I should have learned in school. He was alluding to times in history I should have been aware of. But I wasn’t. I had no idea. That history class and our previous offsite activities really struck a chord with me. A very out of tune and sad chord. They ferreted out my insecurities and put them on display.
During offsite, I was the black sheep in our group. During one of the activities, I had to rely on part of my team to give me direction. I had to trust them. I could not for the life of me figure out what they were trying to tell me. So I took a big misstep and I felt shattered. I felt like I let my team down and I felt so alone and isolated. I was exposed. Later in the day, we were blindfolded and put through another exercise. While everyone else quickly figured out the puzzle we were trying to solve, I was sitting there trying to speak up. But the loud people in our group kept talking over me. When I did have a chance to speak, I questioned the assumptions everyone else made so quickly. But they laughed at me. Later, a few people told me I must have trust issues. Damn straight I have trust issues when I’m blindfolded. Throughout the offsite, I felt exposed. This past week has been the most insecure I’ve felt in many years.
I’m constantly surrounded by people who are smarter, more educated, and more experienced than I am. It is hard to not feel insecure about my own shortcomings. I don’t feel like I need to prove myself, because I feel so insignificant that it isn’t necessary. I know that everyone in my class has strengths and weaknesses. I know that for the management track, that I’m going to do great. But throw me into the ring with my peers and I start to question that. People keep reassuring me that I’m going to do fine, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking I’m not supposed to be here.
I’m just a lost girl from Oklahoma trying to play dress up as a diplomat.