My life has turned upside down in the past week. I’m not even sure what to do anymore. Things aren’t looking pretty and not looking promising. I’m in a state of fluctuation – I vacillate between calm and composed and complete and total wreck. I’m trying to hide the total wreck, but I feel it bubbling to the surface constantly. I just need a hug. I need my family. I need support, more than a phone call can give. But I can’t have that and it breaks my heart. I refuse to Early Terminate (ET), but it seems like such an easy answer sometimes.
I have great friends here, but unfortunately due to the elections and other commitments, I can’t see them. I can’t even access my support system here. Some moments I just want to sob and pull my hair out. Some moments I am rational and I can think clearly. I’m still in such a state of confusion though I don’t know how I am supposed to feel.
I believe that Peace Corps will find the best solution for me, but I have to admit I’m scared. I’m scared of the next year. I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared that I will flounder around looking for work. I’m scared that I won’t be a real Peace Corps Volunteer. I’m scared that my service will be scarred. I’m scared that I will be a failure.
I really just want to feel normal again. I want to be a regular ole Peace Corps Volunteer again. I just want to worry about dysentery and whether or not I should eat banku twice in one day.