How I Hyperventilated at 6:30 in the Morning

So, I have this issue with spiders. You know nothing serious, just a extremely irrational fear that paralyzes me when I see them. It has gotten much better though! I only freak out now when I see big ones. AND FOR GOOD REASON, thank you very much. I know exactly where my fear comes from – the one time when I was a kid and I felt a spider crawl up my body in the night, hover on my arm, and make its way into my ear. Yeah, tell me you wouldn’t have problems too.

So this morning, I was sneaking to the kitchen early. I have to do this delicate food dance in the morning. My neighbors have a habit of giving me food with fish in it. I can’t stomach even the sight of fish anymore. (I pray to all the gods out there that this doesn’t extend to sushi – otherwise, what’s the point of eating anymore?!) So, once or twice a week they feed me something godawfully delicious – to anyone who loves dried fish with eyes still staring into your soul. Just can’t do it. I can’t eat anything that has touched fish because the taste seeps into everything and just ruins it. I say I am allergic, but it doesn’t work all that well. Anyway, so my neighbor gave me some tz (cross between bankou and fufu) and fish stew. I took one bite and put the lid back on and hid it from view. This morning I snuck out before they were awake to go pour it outside in the trash hole. I know that at least the chickens are loving this arrangement and maybe the goats. So I go to the kitchen to set something else down and I am headed to the sink.


There he is, the special species of spider that’s only purpose in life is to terrify the hell out of me. These ones aren’t the flat ones, they are big, hairyish, have extra long legs, and are bulky. A right regular baby tarantula in my eyes.  Plus they are fast. So I grabbed a bowl of water and started trying to drown him in the sink. Dude is fast and doesn’t want to die so I (STOP, I literally just got the hebbiejebbies writing this, still freaks me out) keep pouring water into the sink. He latches onto a knife and I don’t really have much options at this point. AHA, put what is that? Is that a noise I hear outside? Oh snap! It is the kid that lives in the compound. Who better than an 11 year old boy to kill my spider. PERFECT. So I call him over quietly, the whole place is still sleeping. He can’t seem to see the spider – I have spidy senses, obviously. So I point it out. And wait for it…

HE REACHES INTO THE SINK AND GRABS THE MOFO SPIDER. Grabs. That’s right, he picks the live spider up. And that’s when I ran like the wind out of the kitchen to my side of the compound (aka 30 ft away). He throws the spider over the wall. Boy, just kill it. Spider doesn’t want to die STILL. So it fights and doesn’t make it over the wall, so I sit there and watch him try to retrap the spider. Finally he does something and it is obvious spider will not bother me anymore. After all this I realize I am not breathing and my heart is coming out of my chest. It was like I just ran a marathon. I go into my room and try to calm down. It ain’t working. I start hyperventilating. I realize what is going on and I tell myself to buck up and snap out of it. So I do. My heart – 20 mins later now is still beating fast.

Another story to add to my recurring spider nightmare jar. For a month I was waking up daily from a spider nightmare that was a repeat of something that I have experienced here. Spider PTSD?

So, I was able to successfully hide the tz and fish stew, in case you were keeping track.


2 thoughts on “How I Hyperventilated at 6:30 in the Morning

    • I will acknowledge that I appreciate kids that kill spiders for me! And sometimes the cute one in my compound that runs up and hugs me whenever I come home.

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