I don’t know what to do

My life has turned upside down in the past week. I’m not even sure what to do anymore. Things aren’t looking pretty and not looking promising. I’m in a state of fluctuation – I vacillate between calm and composed and complete and total wreck. I’m trying to hide the total wreck, but I feel it bubbling to the surface constantly. I just need a hug. I need my family. I need support, more than a phone call can give. But I can’t have that and it breaks my heart. I refuse to Early Terminate (ET), but it seems like such an easy answer sometimes.

I have great friends here, but unfortunately due to the elections and other commitments, I can’t see them. I can’t even access my support system here. Some moments I just want to sob and pull my hair out. Some moments I am rational and I can think clearly. I’m still in such a state of confusion though I don’t know how I am supposed to feel.

I believe that Peace Corps will find the best solution for me, but I have to admit I’m scared. I’m scared of the next year. I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared that I will flounder around looking for work. I’m scared that I won’t be a real Peace Corps Volunteer. I’m scared that my service will be scarred. I’m scared that I will be a failure.

I really just want to feel normal again. I want to be a regular ole Peace Corps Volunteer again. I just want to worry about dysentery and whether or not I should eat banku twice in one day.

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